Geezers Need Excitement: Vitali Klitschko-Dereck Chisora Preview


****

Vitali Klitschko returns to the ring tomorrow night when he prepares to spank the latest l’enfant terrible—or is just “terrible” enough?—of British heavyweights, Dereck Chisora, over a scheduled 12 at the Olympiahalle in Munich, Germany.

There must be something in the water in the United Kingdom that makes fighters so obnoxious. Certainly Chisora, only 17 fights into his career, has given more than enough evidence of being the only passenger on his own personal Crazy Train. Over the last couple of years, he has bitten a fighter in the ring, kissed one at a weigh-in, and has been found guilty of assaulting his ex-girlfriend. It is hard to believe that someone as modest and amiable as Frank Bruno was once the biggest star in U.K. boxing. Today, instead of the stigma of “horizontal heavyweights,” Britain can boast of a new generation of vulgar non-sportsmen with little talent and lots of mouthiness to go along with all that nothing.

This afternoon, with his Union Jack bandana wrapped around his face—most likely in homage to the highwaymen of Finchley Common of a bygone era—Chisora, 15-2 (9), decided to add a smack to the usual weigh-in shenanigans. It was a disgraceful act, albeit one that is now an accepted, indeed, desired, part of modern prizefighting, which more and more emulates the tomfoolery of professional wrestling. For stuttering vloggers, forum trolls, and third-rate bloggers, this kind of thing is a call for celebration, or, at the very least, some emoticons.

Whatever one thinks of Klitschko, 43-2 (40), as a fighter—dull and mechanical, perhaps-he has been a credit to the sport for years. It is not his fault—nor that of his brother and co-champion, Wladimir—that this is the worst heavyweight crop since Mike Tyson came around in 1986 with a giant pooper scooper tucked into each glove. The truth, however, is even more frightening. Current heavyweights are actually worse than that “Lost Generation” of the “Me, Me, Me” 80s. O, for the days of Michael Dokes, Pinklon Thomas, John Tate, and Mike Weaver! Hell, even Gerrie Coetzee, with his “Bionic Hand,” would have left most of these pretenders counting atoms under the lights. This fight, like the forthcoming Wladimir Klitschko-Jean Marc Mormeck travesty, ought to be a 50-1 prop. Actually, it should be off the boards altogether, but, of course, times do change. Think about it: Trevor Berbick answered the bell against Larry Holmes in 1981 as a 50-1 underdog, and Berbick would go on to earn a title and beat Pinklon Thomas, Greg Page, and Mitch Green along the way.

Chisora, who will be more than fortunate to accomplish half of what Tony Tubbs achieved, has done less than zero since turning pro in 2007. Nor does working over Robert Helenius in his last fight—a disgraceful hometown decision loss—mean much since Helenius is as mobile as a UNESCO site and has just enough speed and coordination to rise from his stool before his cornerman pulls it out from under him. Before his victimization at the hands of clueless judges in Finland, Chisora, 28, entered the ring grotesquely out of shape to do a Benny Hill re-enactment against Tyson Fury. This dynamic duo wound up swinging rubber chickens at each other for 12 farcical rounds, with Chisora dropping a unanimous decision. Now, less than a year later, Chisora, whose last win was against a fighter with a 19-43-3 record, is set to duck through the ropes against a man who has lost nary a round in nearly a decade.

“Rudimentary” is probably the best word to describe Chisora, who has no real attributes visible to the naked eye. He is big and strong and works hard on the inside. Chisora, London, England, will look to crowd Klitschko, work the body, maul a bit in close, and look to throw the occasional overhand shot from wherever he sees fit to do so at any given moment.

For his part, Klitschko, Kiev, Ukraine, will try to spear Chisora with his jab from the outside and drop straight rights over the top. Although Klitschko is 40 years old, he has taken almost no punishment whatsoever since losing via cuts to Lennox Lewis in 2003. In addition, his victims are usually left in extremis. Shannon Briggs was hospitalized; Kevin Johnson put on one of the most disgusting displays in years; pathetic Odlanier Solis toppled in one round; and Tomasz Adamek, Cris Arreola, and Sam Peter turned into heavy bags before the eyes of millions, like something out of magic realism. It will take a sudden mid-life crisis for Klitschko to lose to Chisora, whose only accomplishments thus far are wins over Sam Sexton and a shot Danny Williams.

“Anything can happen” is the old heavyweight axiom—because of the power these bulky men can theoretically generate with their punches—but Chisora will need more than “anything” to happen—he will need everything possible, including supernatural forces, under the sun to work in his favor. But who has failed to notice the railbirds consistently picking shambolic short-enders to win recently? This is done, invariably, with the hopes that the law of averages finally kicks in. When the shocking upset actually occurs, they can assert their genius. But the fact is, barring a miracle, Chisora should have taken the money he was offered to have advertisements placed on the soles of his shoes, like his countryman Julius Francis did for his bout with Mike Tyson. After all, the geezers are going to need something to talk about once the notion of competition flies out of the ring and into the rafters.

****

Consider donating to The Cruelest Sport. For less than the price of a Frappuccino, you can help TCS remain a counterbalance to the One-Sentence Paragraph School of UNICEF boxing writing. If not, I will fucking quit!

****

Follow The Cruelest Sport on Twitter & Facebook and follow a website that is 100% incendiary, harsh, acerbic, snarky, enraged, negative, critical, whatever.

Tags: Dereck Chisora HEAVYWEIGHTS Mike Tsyon Robert Helenius Tyson Fury Vitali Klitschko

  • JohnPaulFutbol

    CA,

    I got nothing for this, but I love the title of your preview. I can’t see anything else happening but Chisora deep throating 1-2′s. I tried to work myself up for this matchup by youtubing that clip of the slap 3 or 4 times, but I just can’t get it up for this one. Why the hell do people buy into that sort of shit? “Klitschko looks pissed, he’s gonna kick his ass now!” WTF is the difference?

    I know you don’t like to use “I” in your posts/pieces. But, “I” went balls to the walls……you ever seen comment that uses “I” once in every 10 words or so like mine? I await your reply.

  • thenonpareil

    @ChrisSarda

    HI ChrisSarda,

    good point. I should have mentioned that at least Chisora is fun to watch–in a way that can’t be confused with world-class prizefighting, of course, but fun nonetheless.

  • thenonpareil

    @napalm777

    I hear you. This fight is meaningless, and I only wrote about it because Chisora is always good for my one-liners….

  • thenonpareil

    @JohnPaulFutbol

    Hi JPF,

    I suspect you only read the headline! If so, you missed some good one-liners, dammit!

    Chisora is an idiot, alas, but this is the kind of stuff people drool over. All you needed was Roddy Piper to come rushing in with a steel chair. It’s ridiculous how fighters comport themselves these days; it really is, but it’s only going to get worse from now on.

    I think I some of your comments on bigfootencounters.com that used “I” a lot, but I agree, you do that “I” thing alot here, but still not as much as Lyle Fitzsimmons or some superior bloggers…Work on it!

  • JohnPaulFutbol

    @thenonpareil No, “eye” read the whole thing. There were some damn fine one-liners in there!

  • dennis wise

    You really gave Chisora the business. He deserves it, even if the few fights I’ve seen were somewhat entertaining. There is room left for any sense of shame nowadays and Chisora proves it. If there were any justification for his attitude I probably wouldn’t mind rooting for the guy.

  • thenonpareil

    @JohnPaulFutbol

    Norse sagas and Motorhead are taking over your mind!

  • thenonpareil

    @dennis wise

    Hi Dennis, I try hard not to slag off fighters, but Chisora–and heavyweights in general–makes it damn hard not to. His behavior is erratic enough for me to think that he’s a bit loony, so I guess I get it, but I don’t like it, and the boorishness of some of these guys is just too much. Americans, too, naturally, not just UK fighters.

    It’s interesting to me to see how the public used to respond to respectful, amiable professionals–so long as they tore it up in the ring–and now it is almost the exact opposite–be a prick and not have much going on between the ropes. Chisora may be an exception as far as action goes, but I do feel he cheated the public by showing up so out of shape against Fury, and his clowning against Helenius might have given the judges the excuse they were looking for.

    I have really only actively disliked 3 or 4 fighters over 5 years: Kevin Johnson, Odlanier Solis, maybe Chad Dawson, and some Puerto Rican guy who was kissing the gloves of the guy he was fighting while the guy was punching him in the face. No one would miss any of these boxing leeches, I believe. Three of them made million-dollar purses and not a goddamned thing of any merit happened in all of those big money fights.

    In general, I try to root for as many fighters as I can. Some of them are not worth cheering for, however. But I hear you.

  • Andrew Fruman

    Hi Carlos,

    Maybe I’m crazy, but I think Chisora’s going to do better than everyone’s expecting. Since Vitali returned a few years go, his opponents have almost all been the sort that like to fight at his preferred range. The only exceptions are Peter & Arreola, and neither of those guys were really in the best of condition.

    So for the first time, Vitali’s 40-year-old legs might be tested a little bit, as he’s going to have an opponent that isn’t going to sit on the outside and let him leisurely dictate the pace. Maybe that won’t matter, given the huge gulf in talent, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Chisora gets inside enough to win a few rounds and make Vitali a little uncomfortable at times.

  • FunkyBadger

    A Streets reference? Like it.

    Vitali deserves a slap for banning Dereck’s ring music. And a £30,000 has got to be a fair whack of his purse – I think he was lined up for £50K from Wlad before little brother cried off.

    After all’s said and done though, the heavyweights are awful, and apparently getting worse.

    Is David Price The One?

  • FunkyBadger

    @thenonpareil @dennis wise I think you’re right about Chisora being “not all there”.

    The reasoning behind the behaviour’s simple though (although maybe not in Del’s case) – just been reading Dark Trade, Watson and Eubank both interviewed before their fight, Watson was an absolute solid pro, no dissing, no palava, just an honest effort in the ring every time. Eubank was, well, Eubank. Eubank was making twice as much money as Watson from fights at exactly the same level (nevermind advertising endorsements etc.).

    Its a society thing, not particularly a boxing thing.

  • thenonpareil

    @FunkyBadger

    Hi FB,

    you never know what you’ll find here–often, it’s nothing!

    Personally, I think it depends on what kind of music Vitali banned…what if Del Boy was going to enter the ring to the strains of Air Supply?

    Heavyweights are terrible, definitely, and there are a couple of American “Prospects” whom Chisora would pulverize within a few rounds. At least in the UK, they step into the arena. Guys like Deontay Wilder are an embarrassment, fighting competition even Primo Carnera would be ashamed of.

    I saw a David Price fight on video where the ring appears to be 12 x 12. He has very long arms….

  • thenonpareil

    @Andrew Fruman

    Hi Andrew,

    I would never say you were crazy! “Touched,” maybe, but not crazy. Well, I hope you’re right, because, ultimately, what matters to me is a good fight and if I’ve underestimated Chisora, then maybe that’s what we’ll have.

    I agree that Chisora is more of a pressure fighter who will work a little harder than most Klitschko opponents; I just don’t see the talent there for him to make his tactics truly effective. I mean, maybe Chisora can “put it all together” for one night–but what the hell has he got to put together? But, he is a big, strong fella with some self-belief, and I guess that counts for something….

  • thenonpareil

    @FunkyBadger @dennis wise

    Hi FB,

    I agree-it’s often a case of fighters trying to drum up publicity. But in the case of a guy like Eubank, for example, he had some obvious talent and could dramatize his personality in the ring. Not the case with a lot of these loudmouths. Take Bernard Hopkins, whose been threatening mayhem to opponents for years and hasn’t scored a knockout since 2004…

    From the UK perspective, I believe this “charisma” makes more sense, since they still depend on, in part, gates. In the U.S., you don’t need to draw an audience–either live or on television–to become a millionaire headliner. At least, that’s how it’s been for about a decade now.

  • FunkyBadger

    @thenonpareil Chisora wanted to come out to the Only Fools and Horses theme music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDVc9NJFrXc

    K & K wanted something more “fan friendly”. BOO!

    Price is meant to be the business, huge, Olympic pedigree – unfortunately that pedigree involved getting knocked over three times then out once in the semi-final. He’d flatten Fury, mind…