Comedy of Errors: Top Rank Live Rankles, Klitschko Is Rank, & More Weekend Results & Non-results

On Saturday night “Top Rank Live” continued afflicting viewers with dismal fare worthy of fines from the FCC.

The opening bout featured two raw featherweights many websites consider “prospects” simply because they were undefeated entering the ring, but the “0” on many records in boxing is as misleading as a Fata Morgana. Judging by this meandering 8-round affair, neither Jorge Diaz nor Alejandro Lopez seem likely to set the world on fire over the next few years.

Lopez, alleged by the usual suspects to have good “lateral movement,” moves, in fact, like a sick foal. He crosses his feet, stumbles around, cuffs his opponents around the neck when pressured, and has no sting at all on his punches. Lopez, 15-1-1, is also the kind of clumsy pug that cannot even bother to suffer a proper knockdown. Two cartoonish spills to the canvas put Lopez behind on points early in a bout scheduled for eight. Diaz, 13-0, is the no-frills come forward type and fights like it: winging punches without a thought as to where they might land. He was exhausted after seven rounds of artless milling, but managed to cop the decision.

One of the worst fighters ever to stagger around a ring in Key West played chopping block for a heavy Top Rank favorite, Glen Tapia. Carlos Rodriguez, whose protective cup came undone and dropped out of his trunks in the first round, was better suited for Comedy Central than for Fox en Espanol. When his cup was repaired and the fight was set to resume, Rodriguez, 3-3, popped into the exaggerated stance of Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd. Despite his threatening posture, Rodriguez did nothing but get smacked around for the next two rounds. He retired at the end of the second. Of course, Tapia, now 4-0, proved nothing with this victory.

In addition to airing meaningless fights, the production values of “Top Rank Live” are at best second-rate. For 10 minutes cameras lingered over Odlanier Solis sitting on a chair in his locker room while his fight with Carl Drumond was delayed by handwrapping issues. Less than compelling drama, to say the least. After a commercial break another four-rounder took place instead of the main event. Another Top Rank prodigy, Luis Franco, got to pummel Walter Estrada, who appeared to lack the dexterity required to wash dishes in a greasy spoon. Lots of flailing, armbars, and bearhugs took place during these twelve forgettable minutes. Estrada has now lost eight of his last nine fights.

Tubby Odlanier Solis wiped out bungling no-hoper Carl “Driftwood” Drumond in three rounds. Drumond is so bad, he was actually outboxed by Derric Rossy last summer. Drumond is so bad, his last name is routinely misspelled all over the World Wide Web. On Saturday night he simply quit on the stool after taking a few stiff punches in the third round. The first two rounds were dreary exercises in misplaced pacifism. Drumond, a Costa Rican circuit fighter with a fugazi record of 26-2 coming into the bout, curiously surrendered just in time for the show to go off the air after its two-hour slot was up. Even in boxing, punctuality is an attribute. As for Solis, it is impossible to tell if he can fight or not; beating up on one stumblebum after another only proves that all is right in the fistic universe. Solis is already fat and lazy, so it seems hard to believe he can reach the top. He also fights with the clueless arrogance of a man seemingly unaware that his opponents are from the Smear Case School of Boxing. Solis, apparently, is not in on the joke.

*****

The best bout of the weekend, a solid matchup between Sechew Powell and Deandre Latimore, was aired by ESPN2. Powell outboxed the dangerous Latimore over twelve rounds to avenge a knockout defeat to Latimore in 2008. “Iron Horse” was shaken up a few times and faded over the last two rounds, but survived to earn the victory. Latimore, 20-3, fought hard but with little imagination, and a focused Powell was able to neutralize his power with some slick defense. It was a solid performance by Powell, now 26-2, who underestimated Latimore the first time around. Powell has had difficulty raising his game in the past, but on Friday night he was determined not to slip into has-been status.

*****

“Dr. Sleephammer,” Wladimir Klitschko, stopped Eddie Chambers in the final seconds of a fight so dull it challenged all but the most devoted insomniacs to stay awake. All the crybabies who bawled on about HBO bypassing a fight for “The Ring Heavyweight Championship of The World” should loosen their diapers and keep their bibs on. No one belongs on a grainy internet broadcast more than Klitschko does, and HBO should be applauded for exercising selectivity for the first time in God knows how long.

Over 50,000 fans showed up to watch Klitschko play “Pretty Little Dutch Girl” with Chambers. Drawing big crowds for boring fights in Germany is not as incredible as many seem to think. After all, Germany also made heroes out of Henry Maske and Sven Ottke.

Chambers is a talented fighter, but within a round it was clear he was out of his depth. The aggressive fighter who slapped around Alexander Dimitrenko was nowhere to be seen in Düsseldorf. Chambers did try to preempt the Klitschko Sprawl by smashing the 6’6 ½” Ukrainian onto the mat with a Greco-Roman wrestling throw in the second round, but nothing will deter Klitschko from his clinging ways. Frankly, it was embarrassing watching a man with a 35 pound weight advantage–along with significant pulls in height and reach –cuddle so much in the ring. With about 15 seconds to go in the fight, Klitschko got brave and crushed Chambers with a crashing left hook. To Klitschko, all that really matters is the “W” and making sure he is never in the position of being in a good fight. This puts him on the level of other boxing duds like John Ruiz, but no one wants to hear that, it seems. Klitschko remains, perhaps, the least interesting “consensus” heavyweight champion since Marvin Hart. At least Marvin Hart was blind in one eye.