YOUR BOXING EXPERTS AT WORK!

This column, as might be expected, is the easiest one to produce at The Cruelest Sport. There is no shortage of terrible writers covering boxing these days. Some of the bigger outlets, in fact, specialize in mind-bending gibberish. The following excerpts, from a piece on the upcoming bout between Wladimir Klitschko and Eddie Chambers, are from Doghouse Boxing and are categorized by offense.

The Cruelest Sport is not a grammarian site and understands how pernicious typos can be. But most dreadful boxing coverage goes beyond just shaky grammar and errant keyboard strokes. As you will see, the latest subject of “Your Boxing Experts At Work!” multitasks in incompetence. All quotes are faithful reproductions of the text; there are no transcription errors. Sadly, it would take hours to insert sic into all the appropriate/inappropriate spots.

From The Breakdown of War at Doghouse Boxing (Even the title reeks of unintended ambiguity.)

Tortured syntax:

Or could it potentially be the adrenaline rush as blood pumps through our body quickly that helps us determine; rather, that we may have the ability to see two fighters exchange blows for the ultimate goal…the heavyweight championship of the world.

This actually might have made some kind of sense…with a little help from an ESL teacher.

Gobbledygook:

Either way, two great fighters are slated to face each other in March of 2010. Wladimir Klitschko is the current WBO, IBF, and IBO heavyweight champion of the world. Of course, Wladimir Klitschko is much more than that. Wladimir Klitschko’s championship presence is felt all over the entire world. More importantly, most defeated fighters of Klitschko would tell you he is most felt in the ring with his crushing blows and still jabs.

Now is the time to reach for your Dick Tracy secret decoder ring.

Senselessness:

There is always one major question, when anyone steps into the ring against the heavyweight kingpin Wladimir Klitschko. Is the challenger going to be able to overcome Klitschko’s size and power deficit?

Agreed. How will someone overcome the dreaded Klitschko POWER DEFICIT?

Grammatical errors, misspellings, and bizarre statements:

As the fight nears, and game plans arise and change; hype is what brings up closer to another heavyweight championship. Wladimir Klitschko will prepare for his upcoming bout with precision and highly accurate training. Eddie Chambers will do the same, with a little more training from the logical standpoint.

If Chambers loses, he might want to go back to training from the illogical standpoint. The abuse of the semi-colon; is; quite; disturbing. Hey! Precision and highly accurate—are they related?

Satanic punctuation, otherworldly statistics, and the dreaded – -as well as egotistical – -“I:”

Recently, I had an in-depth discussion with former top contender Calvin Brock whose bout back in 2006 ended with an early 7th round TKO victory in Favor of Wladimir. The bout itself, Brock managed to throw 28 percent of the time opposed to Klitschko’s 30 percent.

Good luck trying to figure out that stat. It might help if you can channel the spirit of Gödel during a séance.

Hype and questionable facts:

Two big fighters battling it out for a championship and pound for pound supremacy.

Oh, really?

On the other hand, WBO contender “Fast” Eddie Chambers is a heavyweight fighter ready to perform the greater good; stepping into the ring against Wladimir Klitschko on March 20, 2010.

The “greater good?” What? Chambers is a Utilitarian? Or maybe some kind of missionary? An ethicist?

Mindless repetition that reveals an iffy sense of reality:

I believe Eddie Chambers has a good chance like any other fighter that faced WBO, IBF, and IBO champion Wladimir Klitschko.

Wladimir Klitschko is the current WBO, IBF, and IBO heavyweight champion of the world.

Many of the tactical aspects that Eddie Chambers was able to perform against Alexander Dimitrenko: such as landing clean shots on the inside, throwing hooks and uppercuts, will not be quite as effective against WBO, IBF, and IBO champion Wladimir Klitschko.

All right, now we know: Klitschko is the WBO, IBF, and IBO champion. What we do not know, however, is when the boxing media will begin to apply some standards on its unholy coverage.